Pernell Roberts - Desideratum

Pernell Roberts - Desideratum

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 Post subject: Things I Learned From Bonanza
PostPosted: Sun Nov 21, 2010 8:26 pm 
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Here are some things I learned from many years of "Bonanza."

1. If the Cartwrights hire a new hand, it's a given he has a checkered past or is running from the law.
2. Never take a stagecoach ride with a Cartwright for it's certain to be held up.
3. Never sit on the settee in the Cartwright living room -- Little Joe's feet have been on it, boots and all.
4. Cartwright horses never get lathered, no matter how long, hard or fast they have been ridden, and they never need hot-walking.
5. Hop Sing doesn't have trouble with water spots on the crystal.
6. Sheriff Coffee WILL negotiate, especially if Ben tells him to.
7. If the bank in Virginia City is held up, 9 chances to 10 one of the Cartwrights will happen to be there.
8. No squatter ever "squats" anywhere in the territory, except on the Ponderosa.
9. If a tree is cut down illegally on the Ponderosa, even 999 miles away from the ranch house, Ben will hear it--from inside.
10. If Hoss and Little Joe get into trouble, Adam is always "out-of-town."
11. If you're a female, never get involved in a serious relationship with a Cartwright. One or more of the following will happen: 1. You'll get sick. 2. You'll get shot. 3. You'll get sick and shot. 4. You'll go blind. 5. You'll contract T.B. 6. Your horse will throw you. 7. You'll fall madly in love with a Cartwright relative. 8. While you're sick/shot/blind, Little Joe will ask you to marry him out of pity. 9. While you're sick/shot/blind Adam will kiss you, but will not ask you to marry him. 9. While you're sick/shot/blind, Hoss will look at you and cry. 10. While you're sick/shot/blind, Ben will tell you the Ponderosa can be your home for the rest of your life if you want it. 11. While you're sick/shot/blind, and staying at the Ponderosa, Hop Sing will complain he's only got two hands. 12. You'll leave town, never to be seen or heard from again.
12. All thugs, bank robbers, and horse thieves, are unattractive, and usually just plain ugly.
13. The Indians will fight the U.S. Army, but will readily negotiate with the Cartwrights--any time, any place.
14. Married women will always flirt with Adam.
15. Little Joe will always flirt with married women.
16. Hoss won't flirt--period.
17. Ben will flirt with actresses, and beg them to marry him--for years and years.
18. If Adam doesn't return home from a trip, his horse never innocently throws a shoe, causing him to be late. He's either shot, kidnapped, or near death.
19. Hoss is rarely ever kidnapped.
20. Joe hopes he'll be kidnapped--by women.
21. There are always apples somewhere in the Cartwright living room, no matter the season.
22. Ben has good taste in china, crystal, and table linen.
23. When the "boys" ride into town for supplies, Adam always has something else he has to do.
24. Ben knows everybody in town.
25. If you're visiting late at the Ponderosa, you WILL stay for supper.
26. If you do stay for supper at the Ponderosa, someone will drive you home -- usually Adam. And it won't rain.
27. All animals love Hoss--even elephants.
28. Never let Adam pick out a thoroughbred racehorse for you to buy.
29. All sheep within the territory, crave Ponderosa grass to graze on.
30. You'll never see or hear a barking dog when you arrive at the Ponderosa.

to be continued....


"Now cracks a noble heart. Goodnight sweet Prince,
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest."


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